mushy mom thoughts

Today I watched my friend give birth to her beautiful 7 pound boy and my heart was just shattered into pieces. She worked so hard to get that sweet baby here with us, and he is already so perfect. Watching him come out, slowly but surely with help from the doctor, I cried. There truly is nothing that compares to a baby being born.

As I watched them clean him, weigh him, check his heart, I couldn't stop thinking about June. This was someone's son, and she is my daughter. I tried to remember these moments when I had her. I can hardly remember now if I was worried about her breathing and crying. It seems so distant, yet also feels like it was just yesterday.  I was wondering what she was doing with Jake. Did she miss me? Because holy cow, in that moment, I missed her so bad.

Oh my baby is sweet. She's also a little fireball. She's 7 months old now and when you take something away from her, she'll cry and cry until you give it back. Her personality is growing. My favorite thing is that she really loves her parents. My friend Jackie was watching her yesterday and said when Jake came to get June, she had the biggest smile on her face when she saw him.

Ahhh... My first baby. So many firsts with this little girl. Such a steep (I mean steep) learning curve. A really amazing relationship we've built together. Throughout all the pain, sadness, fear, anger, frustration . . . I would do it 100 times over again for her.

I love watching her grow and learn; fall and get up, but there are times when I could take her back to her 8 lb 10 oz tiny newborn yumminess and snuggle her even more than I did. Appreciate those tiny, quiet moments just a little bit more. Smell her, hold her hand, cuddle her and kiss her.

But tomorrow, or rather in an hour or two, I get to nurse her and cuddle her in my bed. And then I get to wake up next to her, feel her crawl all over me and Jake, change her diaper.

I love being June's mom.

motherhood / student balance

Ahhh.... Today was one of those days where school, homework, research, tests, motherhood, being a friend, and being a wife was just hard... And the day started out so promising!

I had to get about 4 hours of my research hours done by tonight at midnight, and I was trying to work them in around tending for June, but today was one of her needier days. Now she's asleep and I'm looking back on our day wondering if I was happy enough, if I showed her enough love, if we had enough fun together. I'm trying to find a happy medium of getting my schoolwork done to graduate and being a good (or great) mom.

Being a mother and a student is so hard. Mom guilt is real. When I drop her off with my friend's, I feel so sad that I even have to leave her for an hour and fifteen minutes. I wonder what she's doing, if she's happy or if she's sad, if she's hungry, if she misses her mom.

But then I also think, Okay what assignments do I need to turn in this week? What do I need to read?

In trying to find the happy medium between the two, I've tried to realize that these jobs are both amazing things. I'm lucky I'm a mother to such a cute and sweet little baby girl, and I'm also lucky that I get to be a student at BYU and finish up my education while being a mom, which I know not every mom gets to do. So, with that, I've just tried to make the best of getting things done when I can and putting things off when June needs me.

So far, four weeks in, it seems like our system is going well. There are days like today where needed research hours build up and I have to do it all after bed time, but next week we'll try again and be better. And soon enough, the semester will be over and it will just be June and me.

It's odd, because this time in my life is one of the happiest but also one of the most challenging times. I'm so lucky to have so much support from everyone around me regarding being a student and especially with being a mother. I just have to keep telling myself that I can do this!

RECENT HAPPENINGS

Life lately consists of living and breathing June.

It's great and I love it but naturally there are times when I go pretty crazy and think, "That's it. I'm only having one baby." And then I remember how much I love pregnancy, or I see June smile, and then I think, "Okay, I can do this at least one more time." 

We wake up and Jake's usually already gone. It seems like June's new wake time is 7:30. Ever since we went to Ohio and she hit the 4 month sleep regression, her sleeping patterns have been WACK. She is going to sleep earlier than usual (like 8:30 ish), but she's waking up at 6 am ready to go. I usually let her play in her crib for like 20-30 minutes and then I try to get het back to sleep, but she pretty much only sleeps another 30 minutes or so. BUT I REFUSE to have a baby that wakes at 6 am! No thank you!! We will keep working on it...

We go on a walk in the morning before the sun gets too hot. She's liking her stroller now so I put my headphones in and listen to podcasts. Usually I listen to The Birth Hour but I've also been listening to Babes and Babies podcast and Birth Kweens! All things baby and birth, of course.

I've been trying to run a little bit, but that'll be a loooong process . . . I didn't even run before I got pregnant so...

Then I usually put her down for a nap and try to get some cleaning done. I've been watching trash reality TV, AKA the Kardashians, but I'm obsessed and it's an easy-to-watch show as I'm washing the dishes or folding laundry. Then we make lunch and wait for Jake to come eat with us which is always nice.

My goal for every day is to get out of the house once, even if it's just to the grocery store. It feels like June does better when she's not so bored - Of course she thrives when she gets good naps in, but I feel like she also doesn't like hanging out inside all day and likes to visit new places and see people, so we always try to go somewhere at least once a day. We've been pretty successful so far! 

I'm trying to soak up this last month before we start school and the semester from hell begins. I don't know how I'm going to do it, I just know that somehow I am going to do it . . . With help from the village around me, I'm sure. I'm grateful so many people are so willing to watch her when I need help. It'll be an adjustment for the both of us, but luckily I only have to be on campus max 3 hours a day and I don't have class on Fridays. We can do this, June! 

Stressful days but happy babies

June was so happy and good today, which I am so grateful for because today was such a stressful day for me and Jake. Trying to figure out time, money, and scheduling is so much more difficult when you throw a baby into the mix. Of course we knew that it would be like this when we decided we wanted a baby, but now that we're actually dealing with all of it, life is crazy!

Luckily we make a good team and problems are solved pretty quickly with us. But it looks like my time at my job that I've had for two years is ending this summer, and Jake's time will be 100% dedicated to the MCAT. I'm looking forward to going a little bit crazy being a full time stay at home mom with June, and then trying to play student and mom when we both start school this fall.

Having a baby when you and your husband are both students is tricky - his grades are more important than mine (sorry, it's true) so I want to make sure he can do all the studying he needs to be successful in his classes. I'm really hoping these next 6 months fly by and that June stays a happy, sweet baby who likes to snuggle her mom and sleep in class ;)

PS. This jumper is sized 6 months... Nooooooooooooooo. My baby is growing up! Today I collected a whole trash bag full of the clothes she's already grown out of and it makes me so sad. She's still so tiny to me, but I know she's SO much bigger than she was before. Time is weird - I wanted it to speed up and get me out of the newborn stage, but I also want it to slow down!

The first time . . .

The first time I thought I was a bad mom, June was almost two weeks old. All my family had left and it was just me and Jake with our girl! It was Sunday, but we were still staying home from church because she was so tiny and I was a hot mess. Emphasis on the MESS.

Everything was going well, until it wasn't... And I don't mean to sound dramatic, but June would. not. stop. crying. And this was really unlike her. She was really easy to soothe, loved to eat, and loved to sleep. She cried and cried and cried, and I could tell she was feeling uncomfortable. I know early in baby's lives their stomachs are figuring out how to work, but I was worried that I was eating something that was upsetting her or that she might be allergic to something.

I remember I was in my striped milkmaid goods dress that I don't even want to look at anymore - it was most likely covered in spit up, breast milk, and poop. I wore it because it doesn't show my figure at all and it has three buttons that allowed it to open low enough so I could nurse freely. I was sitting on the couch and I just started crying because she was crying and I couldn't get her to stop. I was mostly crying because I felt like she was hurting and I didn't want her to be.

Jake didn't really know what to do. He had never really seen me cry and he was asking what he could do. I told him we should call the pediatrician nurse line to see what we could give her to make her feel a little better.

Jake called because I was literally just sobbing (funny now... not at the time haha) and the nurse asked if her stomach felt tight. It did. Then she asked what I had been eating... She told him I should be staying away from chocolate, dark greens, caffeine, etc. ALL THE THINGS I HAD BEEN EATING. I know now that's not what it was because I can eat those now and feel just fine, but when he told me that, I felt so bad for her. I felt like I was the one who made her feel so sick. It really was just gas.

Jake went to the store to get gripe water and I stayed at home and laid in bed with June. When he left, she calmed down a little bit but tears were still streaming down my face! He finally came back and we gave her a little bit of the gripe water, even though I was pretty reluctant because she was under 2 weeks and I had read some horror stories. But she took it like a champ and she immediately went to the bathroom and then was able to go to sleep - it was amazing and I felt so much relief.

But seriously . . . the feeling was overwhelming. I felt sad and angry . . . I was so ridiculously emotional which I know is very common that soon after having a baby but it wasn't normal for me or for Jake. Having a baby is out of this world. I feel so connected to June and I truly feel everything she feels. I'm still learning the ropes and I know I'm not a bad mom, but that day it was so hard not to feel like it.

I'll always remember the craziness of that Sunday and the overwhelming feelings I think we all felt. Postpartum emotions are no joke. I'm so glad I'm a* *little* less emotional now, even though I still love June with every fiber of my freaking being!

Labor and delivery thoughts

I have always wanted a natural birth. For some reason, when I thought of delivering a baby, I knew that I would attempt it unmedicated. So many women before me have done it, and many without the help of a medical professional. But more importantly, I wanted to feel what my body was meant to do. I wanted to begin labor naturally, I wanted to feel the ins and outs of contractions, I wanted to sweat, I wanted to cry, and I wanted to feel my baby come out.

Of course that's not the way it happened for me, but I still believe the process is so important . . . or at least it is to me. I did get to go into labor naturally - slowly but surely, enjoying the process with Jake, taking walks and bouncing on the ball. We chose when we wanted to go to the hospital and we were both feeling great(ish) and confident with the way everything was going.

I understood what my body was doing. . . and I was so proud. It took a long, long time for my body to dilate to 10 centimeters (which is extremely common for first births) but it did it! With a little help of pitocin, I did it! And then I pushed. And I pushed. And I moved around some, and pushed some more. And that's when, after three hours, I had to ask about the other options I knew were available to me.

***

Over the past year, I've become pretty opinionated on birthing options. I've learned a lot about our options regarding birth, and I've also learned a lot about why so many people think birth is scary. Partly because movies and TV shows portray women screaming and crying out for help, and also partly because their mothers and grandmothers had subpar experiences and when they share their birth stories with their daughters, it makes them even more afraid.

I've been told some pretty horrific birth stories. When I told people I wanted to go natural (which I didn't tell many people) they would say, "You're definitely going to want the epidural." Or their responses would be generally negative. Of course there were family members that were 100% supportive of going natural, but overall, people's thoughts on birth and labor are: Get the epidural.

Getting the epidural is not the problem. I think it's a great tool to have. The problem is that there are many unnecessary deaths, and unnecessary c-sections in the U.S that are caused by unnecessary inductions and medications. I started learning about this a couple years ago when I wrote a paper on maternal mortality rate. About 32% of all births are c-sections, and our maternal mortality rate is 26 deaths per 100,000 live births. That's ridiculous. The worst in the developed world with all the medicine we have? It doesn't make sense.

What does that have to do with my wanting to go natural? It's because there's a vicious cycle within the whole getting induced or getting an epidural thing.

Induction --> Epidural --> Pitocin --> Baby's heart rate drops and becomes worrisome --> C-section. Doctors are encouraging women to get induced, to get the epidural, to get pitocin . . . But what a lot of women don't realize is that a lot of these conditions aren't optimal for baby. And most of all, I feel like women don't trust their body . . . Our bodies know how to get the baby out! Our bodies know what to do!

But would any of that have happened without the induction, without the epidural, or without the pitocin? Probably not.  Of course I can recognize this isn't always how it happens, but I didn't want this to happen to me.

On top of that reasoning, I wanted to feel the intensity of contractions. I wanted to feel my body work. I wanted to know that my body could do what it was made to do. I trust my body to begin laboring on its own, I trust my body to contract and move the baby down, and mostly, I trust my baby to get where she needs to go! Being told when and how to birth wasn't what felt right to me.

I wanted an unmedicated birth so badly, and I did everything I could to try and get that to happen, but for some reason it wasn't meant to be. So I am grateful - so, so grateful - for doctors, that can get our babies out in minutes. I'm grateful for the care I received during my labor, and for the lengths I was able to go to get that baby here.

But mostly I wish people would respect the process of labor and birth. I wish more women knew that birth isn't scary, and that we have more options than getting an epidural and laying on our back to push a baby out. I wish people respected their bodies and their capabilities. I wish doctors encouraged more women to try out the natural route.

***

I'll admit, I sometimes, 10 weeks later, feel angry that June's birth didn't go the way I wanted it to. They told me my pelvis might be too small, but how can that be?! I want this SO badly! I feel angry that other women, who on the outside seem not to respect the process, get to have a vaginal delivery. 

But then I feel grateful again, that I got to grow a baby, and she's healthy, and she's here with us. 

I'm grateful for the process - and I trust the process. And I'll try again. 

Good article about U.S. maternal mortality rate here: https://www.npr.org/2017/05/12/527806002/focus-on-infants-during-childbirth-leaves-u-s-moms-in-danger. 

Postpartum journey: Learning the ropes of nursing

My milk took forever to come in, and I think part of it was that I didn't hold or touch June until about 8 hours after I gave birth to her. All the research Jake and I did showed the importance of immediate skin to skin, but of course that didn't go to plan!

When they first brought her to me, I don't remember her fussing at all, but I wanted to try and nurse her. They had been giving her pasteurized human milk but I wanted her to get some colostrum. I picked her up, brought her to the boob, and she latched perfectly. I knew the basics from what I had read about breastfeeding, but it was like June had been doing it her whole life. It was seriously amazing and I'm so grateful she has a good latch. My colostrum was great. I would hand express and get some, so I knew she was eating every time she latched which was nice and a relief. But my milk took quite a few days to come in, which was frustrating.

On top of my milk taking a while to come in, my nipples hurt pretty badly. She had a great latch, I think it's just that your nipples have to get used to being sucked on pretty hard. Obviously. Anyone who tells you nursing isn't supposed to hurt . . . well, it does at first, even if your baby's latch is just right. So it's okay if your nipples hurt. Keep going, because it finally gets better.

Every time she latched, which I would let her any time she showed any hunger cues, I would seriously want to cry. I got some Lanolin and also Newman's Ointment and was using them both religiously. Everyone told me to keep going and that it would get easier. I'm so glad I listened to them, but I definitely understand why someone would give up without support from others.

I remember being relieved every time I finished nursing her and thanking the heavens that I wouldn't have to for another 2 hours or so. It hurt so, so bad. I knew time would heal them, I just wanted it to go a little faster. On my right boob, I had a cracked nipple. I noticed it in the shower - it was red and scary. I told Jake to come over to me and check it out and he agreed it looked cracked. We were both scared because so many people had told us stories about people's nipples COMING OFF from breastfeeding! Haha to let it heal, I only latched her on my left side and would pump my left side. It was definitely harder and more time consuming, but it got better within 48 hours. I bear testimony of Newman's Ointment. 

For the first couple of days after we got home, we nursed all day whenever she wanted to build my supply in the coming weeks, but we topped her off with formula in the evenings. It kind of sucked but you gotta do what you gotta do. Every time I topped her off with formula, I would pump so my body would know she wasn't full. Almost always, she downed the formula so I'm glad we did it so I knew she was getting what she needed.

At her first check up at the pediatrician, she hadn't gained all her weight back (obviously). It was when she was 6 days old, but she was getting there. He told me, "Just keep feeding her. She'll get there." Ah, I'm so glad he is so nice and supportive of nursing. At her two week appointment, I was PRAYING she was past her birth weight. It was seriously stressing me out because at that point, we were strictly nursing. I put her on the scale and she was 9 lbs 1 oz! Oh thank heavens! Seriously I was thanking the Lord and my boobs. Hahaha. My milk was working! (Now she is 12 pounds even at 6 weeks and 3 days old. Chubby monkey just how we like it!)

Getting into the third week of nursing was when things started to heal and feel a little better. I started to feel more confident with nursing and we figured out a good night time routine with waking up and going back to sleep. I didn't have to use Newman's Ointment nearly as much and I overall just was starting to feel happier with nursing!

I think getting past the first 2-3 weeks is the most important part. It's a struggle . . . I cried SO much . . . But it's so worth it now. I've finally regulated and my boobs are soft throughout the day which is super encouraging. She's been sleeping 6-8 hour stretches so during that, I try to get up and pump. Sometimes (the past few nights...) I've been waking up and turning off my alarm IN MY SLEEP and waking up so freaking engorged! But other than that, I really haven't been too engorged which has been great. She's still nursing so well but as she gets older, she has started to play with my nipple more. Haha she will literally just lay there and lick it, or put it in her mouth and take it out. I can't help but laugh (and sometimes say OWWW) because it's so cute. I'm sure it won't be that cute when she's got teeth, but for now it is.

Overall I'm just grateful for the people around me who have supported our nursing "journey" and for the people who told me to keep going and that it would get better! I'm so glad I have some people that I can relate to and talk about nursing with (especially Jake's cousin Monica). And mostly I'm just grateful that my body is working. For the first few days, I had serious thoughts that for some reason breastfeeding wasn't going to work out and I was so sad. When starting a nursing journey, my only advice would be to get through that day and keep going, don't try to think about the weeks ahead. Day by day as you get through it, it will stop hurting and your body will make the milk your baby needs.

Push "Continue Reading" for some super cute nursing pictures (but they may show a little boob).

weekend happenings

this weekend was really fun! we had Jenny's wedding Saturday morning at the Salt Lake Temple! I had done baptisms there before but never had I been to a sealing so I was really excited... that temple is so beautiful inside.. although.. i must say that I'm glad  we didn't get married there because there were 45 OTHER WEDDINGS THAT SAME DAY! and they said they usually have about 80 or so a day, especially in the summer. that's crazy to me. when we got married in Columbus, I think there was only one other wedding that day!

the wedding was beautiful! we sat next to Hailey and Emily and it was so fun to see them because we had no idea they were going to be there! if Hailey lived closer to us, I'm pretty sure we'd be best friends. I love her!

after the sealing, we took pictures at the temple and then we took all the babies to chick fil a with Amanda, Sarah, Beth, Anna, Grandma, and Grandpa. It was a fun car ride JAMMING to Moana! After Chick fil a we went to the Bastidas' house and we started getting things ready to take over to the reception hall. Luckily there wasn't much to take over!

When we got to the reception hall two hours early, we started putting food in the fridge for later, setting up the cake (well, beth was. i wouldn't trust myself with that job ever), cleaning plates, setting out muffins, and trying to help out wherever we could. i was sitting down on the floor cleaning plates because my heels were going to KILL if i stayed in them all day.

during the reception, we stayed for about an hour and ate paella and drank italian sodas. it was fun to see Jake's family and hang out with everyone, but then Kyle was taking some babies to his friend Jonathan's house and they live on a little mini-farm and so of course we went!

it was probably a 45 minute to an hour drive and we had Peyton, Walker, and Maddy with us. When we got there, we changed out of our church clothes and into regular clothes that Kyle had brought us .... hahahah well he brought me some leggings but I didn't have tennis shoes, only sandals, and then the only other option he brought me was this Athleta dress of Amanda's. so cute, but I was wearing the WRONG GARMENTS! hahahahahaha. and it was so windy and the dress wasn't covering anything! Kyle was like, "You're welcome, Jake." hahahaha. Buttheads.

We went outside and saw their chicken set up... and it's AMAZING. I WANT IT. basically they built an older looking shed/barn into a nursery with different rooms for each mama and her chicks. you can see the outside in one of the pictures below. basically it's big enough for the mom to be comfortable to hatch her babies and then hang out with them until she's ready to introduce them to the flock. there was like 8 or so moms and they all had 8-10 babies just running around. there was one mom who was so protective and kept her wings up every time we were looking through the door. that's gonna be me. hahaha.

we sent it to Tracey and now Jake wants to build her one.... I'm all for it. :) :) :)

and the last picture of Grandma is for good measure hahahahaha. I think it's from Friday night. Earlier that day, she and everyone else had gone swimming at the rec center and after they showered there and Sarah had given her something she thought was shampoo but IT WASN'T. it was probably hair styling gel or something. anyway, it made her hair completely flat and extremely greasy. she had showered several hours before and it looked like she had just gotten out. so she said since she wasn't able to turn on the shower upstairs, she was just going to wash her hair in the sink. Courtney and I were DYING LAUGHING.. seriously dying while trying to silently laugh. i said, "Are you going to condition too?" And she said, "Yes, I don't want to look half beautiful." Hahaha I love that woman!

finals time!

I can't believe this semester is already over?!?! We started finals today, and Jake and I will both finish by Tuesday and then I have a whole glorious 5 days off of work! I don't think we're going to go anywhere because we feel like we've been go-go-go and we've gone south a lot this semester, so we're just going to stay home, hang with the chickens, and try to finish some projects around the house. AKA start new ones. Jake is lucky I love him. . . because I know he just wants to tear the house apart!

We're excited for this spring semester mainly because I have 9 AM WORK!! It's only an hour after 8 am obviously, but it's sooo much nicer than waking up at 8 for some reason! Mine and Jake's bodies pretty much naturally wake up at 7:30... and the 6:30 alarm has been a killer. I think during spring term we'll be able to use our bodies as alarms which will be so nice!

It's going to be a tricky semester for the both of us, I think, but it'll be good to get it over with in just 6 weeks and then we get to party at the farm for about 8 weeks! We're excited to help out around the farm, be around family, and just lay low & hang out for a while. Aaron and Ben will also be there and Beth will hopefully come around with their new baby so we're SUPER excited!

Just thought I'd post before spring term started! Wooooohooooooooooooooooo

celebrating my bIRTHDAY!

i turned 21 on the 27th! it was very fun, and very low-key . . . just my style. :)

i went to work and then i took my family to the airport. we got stuck in traffic for a little while, but luckily Lisette offered to drive and I just got to "sit back and relax" as she said while she drove. haha. I don't love to drive sometimes, so that was nice of her . . .

our awesome mom also got us some facials to get together. unfortunately we didn't realize they were closed on mondays so I'm going to have to go on my own, but i'm super excited about it. i've never had one so it'll be interesting! she and our sister amanda also sent us some cards to my house:)

my grandma let me pick through some serious clinique stuff and also gave me some other gifts which was soo nice of her! i got some cute lipstick i'll hopefully actually wear, a ton of mascara, face watch, lotion, and some other makeup i now don't have to buy for a while!

then i met up with samantha, which was great, i hadn't seen her in a while. we were gonna go eat at red rock but lisette called and said she forgot her wallet in my car so we decided to eat closer in bountiful and we just ate pei wei. i seriously love asian food. i could eat it all the time (we just had it the night before at tepanyaki . . . a great, expensive birthday tradition but the food is soooo good). we chatted and then she FILLED UP MY ENTIRE TANK OF GAS! so freaking nice!!

then i drove home and jake was like, "oh my gosh, i haven't seen you allllllllll day." haha and then we watched fixer upper, probably, and went to sleep which was fun. i also came home to a gift from Jake's aunt amanda. she gave me some new mascara and self-tanner which I'm actually so appreciative of because I've been meaning to try a self-tanner but just haven't shot the bullet. so woohoo!

and best of the best, Jake's sweet mom sent 21 reasons we love Lynnette in the group text. i married into the best family! she also shared this picture she took of jake and me from the first time I was at the farm .... oh my gosh, how did I not know I loved him (and them) then!?!?

he's soooooo cuuuuute!!! <3 <3 

woohoo to being 21! 

One Positive Thing 2/6

Today I realized that I didn't have to take my test yet, but that Tuesday is also a regular day for the test! So instead of booking it to the testing center after my last class, I met up with Jake, got my debit card and car keys, left him to take his test and I went to the grocery store BY MYSELF! Usually it's me and Jake which is also so fun, but sometimes it's nice to just go through each aisle slowly. We needed so many things I couldn't even make a list for it all so I really did go through every single aisle, even the pet aisle. . . which is funny, because for our pets, you can only find their stuff at IFA. :)

But when I got to the grocery store, I got a front row spot. You know, the spots that are right next to the handicapped spots. So that was awesome! I pulled in, and then when you walk into Smith's, they have a chinese food place inside..... I was starving so I also stopped there! Haha. I got some fried rice and started shopping in no hurry at all . . . not a care in the world!!! It was so awesome!

When I left, I wasn't sure I would have time to take it all home because I wasn't sure how long Jake's test would take, but I went ahead and drove home anyway and I was able to unload everything, unpack the pork into little plastic baggies, eat my cucumbers that I had soaked in lemon juice the night before, let my chickens out to roam, check on the baby chicks, jam to Taylor Swift on our echo, and then grab my book and drive back to get him. He hadn't even texted me yet, but it was getting close to being two hours since I had left him and I just sat in the parking lot waiting for him to tell me he was done! Not 5 minutes after I parked, he was ready. He texted me, "I'm coming to kiss your face off!" Hahaha

It turns out that he was super excited about his grade, BUT DIDN'T EVEN TELL ME WHAT HE GOT . . . He was telling me that his lab partner had gotten an 80 on the multiple choice, but I, being the mean wife I am (ha ha), didn't ask what he got because I wasn't sure he wanted to tell me . . . but then later he said, "I was trying so hard not to tell you what I got!" And I said, "What'd you get?!?!!" and he said, "You'll have to look yourself!" And so I pulled up his grades and he had gotten a 100% on the multiple choice! So proud of him! Hahha

Anyway! Monday was pretty good, and we got 2 fresh eggies from our chickens.

One Positive Thing 2/5

Today was the Super Bowl! We went to church at 9 and then hung out at home until we went to Amanda and Kyle's around 4:30. I remember last year's super bowl and during it, Jake had recorded himself singing/playing one of my favorite songs and texted it to me... I thought he was the biggest dork but looking back, it was the sweetest thing ever! We had only gone on like, two dates at that point :)

We spent the day at home for the most part, playing with the chicks and what not until we went to Kyle and Amanda's. On our way, we picked up Ruth and Anna. When we got there, it was so fun. . . there was so much food and everyone snuggled up on the floor and couches. There were seriously so many pillows and blankets it was crazy! It's always so fun to be with everyone. There was a ton of salsa and guacamole, Jake's nachos, some candy chex mix, sodas (ginger ale. sick!), and then near the end of the night... snickerdoodle cookies and hot fudge sundaes! We get seriously spoiled when we're over there!

Overall the whole night was so awesome. Even though the patriots ended up coming back and winning, we all had a lot of fun. We are lucky to have so much family so close to us!

One Positive Thing 2/4

AHH! WE GOT BABY CHICKS! AND THEY'RE SO CUTE!

Today was so good! We had our sweetest little cousin's baptism in the morning, where we were able to visit with lots of family . . . even Grandpa and Grandma Blackwelder! They flew in just for the baptism. They're the best. Sydney is the sweetest girl and we're so lucky we get to spend so much time with her!

After, we went to the Mauldin's house and ate the yummiest homemade cinnamon rolls, juice, hot chocolate, and fruit. We hung out with family and enjoyed our time. But then I had this idea: We need to get chicks today. Our cousins Anna and Ruth were there and were willing to go with me while Jake studied. We went to a couple different stores before deciding which ones we were wanting to get and then we dropped Jake off and went back to get them! Jake told me to get 3, but I got 4. . . and they're the cutest little things!!!!

We brought them home in this little "chicken crate" and as Anna was holding it, they were pecking her fingers wondering who the heck she was, I'm sure. We set up a rubbermaid plastic tub for them with a heat lamp and they all went to the food immediately. We were in heaven. We got them all out and were just snuggling them! Their personalities showed pretty quickly; one kept trying to use her wings even though she's only less than a week old, another kept trying to run away, another was fast asleep in Anna's hands, and the last one just kept eating . . . Chicks are the best. Jake says I'm probably going to spoil them, but spoiled chickens are the best because when they get older, they still recognize you as their mom and will follow you around and possibly even sit in your lap. If we're not going to have a baby or a dog, we'll have chickens that follow us around!

That night, we went to the BYU basketball game and then grabbed some ice cream and when we got home, for the first time all day, it was just me and Jake! We laid down on the floor, got the chicks out, and just let them run around the carpet . . . pooping everywhere. Hahahaha. They're lucky they're cute! He was trying to pretend to be the Mama Hen and was covering all four of them at once with his hand. They were SOOO quiet and I'm sure sleeping just under his hand. Chicks are pretty used to being smooshed under their mom's wings, so he pushed their little bodies down and you can feel their whole tiny body breathing.

Chicks. Are. The. Best.

They're going to grow so fast over these next couple of weeks and get so stinky, but we're so excited to build our flock . . . hahaha! We're weirdos. Well, mainly me.

**I don't know what happened to the picture of my all black chick . . . I'm on the hunt for it.

One Positive Thing 2/3

Oh man... Today was awesome!

Jake and I both took a test together and even though we were both trying to beat each other, we both got 92s! That's pretty good in our book.

When we went home, we tended to the chickens (of course) and then we were getting ready to meet our friends at the ice castles . . . but before I did that, I had to go check on the chickens one more time and move the light into their coop. AND WHAT HAPPENED?!?! I FOUND EGGS!!!!

I came out of the backyard dancing with three eggs in my hands with tears in my eyes . . . SERIOUSLY! I was so excited! My chickens finally laid us some eggs! And after only a few days of supplementing light and only 3 weeks after their big move! We were so excited! Jake pretty much jumped out of the car and was like, "NO WAY!" We took them inside, looked at them, took a picture of them, laughed at how dumb it was to be so excited that a chicken laid an egg . . . you know, what they're supposed to do. . . but it was so exciting! Our first eggs! We're doing something right!!

After we found our eggs (and sent pictures to our families), we drove up to Midway and went to the Ice Castles with our awesome friends Logan and Monica. They just got engaged a little bit ago and they're always fun to be around. We talked about their wedding plans and caught up on Christmas break, our wedding, and their missions over Thai food after the castles! We love them because they're both so down-to-earth, fun to be around, have our sense of humor . . . and best of all, are tired by 9:00 like we are. :) After our date Friday, we went home and watched a couple episodes of The Blacklist. We're still trying to figure out what show we want to dedicate time to.

Anyway, life's good! Even with midterms!

One Positive Thing 1/31

This Tuesday was pretty great. There were a lot of positive things that happened, like sleeping in until 9:15, getting to eat lunch with Jake, class being 12 minutes long, finishing my book, and then at the end of the day, going on a double date with some dear friends of mine!

I'm a convert to the church and I was able to meet with several missionaries during that process. The very first missionary I ever had was Elder Durtschi. He taught me for quite a few months and I think he finished his mission in Coppell. Ever since I got baptized in 2013, we've stayed in touch. We don't talk every week by any means, but we know what each other is up to and don't feel awkward texting each other! So, this past week, he texted me and said that we should all go on a double date. And we actually planned one! I told him that bowling sounded fun and he and his wife agreed so we all met up today. It was so fun to see them since it's been over a year since I last did. His wife is 7 months pregnant and looking great and we just caught up with each other and promised to hang out again in the future. It's fun having married friends. ;)

During one of the times we were all 4 sitting down, Jake asked Durtschi a couple of questions about what I was like when I was taking the discussions. He said something like, "Trouble maker", but then was like, "No she was really awesome and inquisitive." He told a story that I hadn't heard before how the bishop at the time told them to stop teaching me because I was too young and it wasn't going anywhere. Durtschi had then gone to go talk to the Stake President, President Blake, and told him that I was no longer going to be "under" that Bishop, but I was going to be under the mission. President Blake then went and talked to Bishop York and told him what was going on and that it was okay for me to be taught. Basically: Durtschi saw potential in me and wasn't going to give that up just because I was 14 years old.

When we got in the car, Jake said, "I almost started to cry!" I said, "Why?" And he told me, "Because, I was just thinking about how important his role was in your life and now in our lives. If he hadn't fought to keep teaching you, we wouldn't be here . . . Who knows where you'd be?" And it was so true. I'm grateful that missionaries see potential in not only their investigators but in themselves, too. I'm so lucky to have been taught by some of the best missionaries and am even more lucky that we're still friends to this day! I'm also grateful for my husband that he is able to recognize the Lord's hand in everything and that he is willing to acknowledge the blessings of missionary work. The day couldn't have ended any better.

One Positive Thing Today 1/30

I'm doing this as an assignment for my Family Processes class, but it's a win-win for me because it'll help me be a regular journal-er. Or at least I hope.

One positive thing that happened today is my husband picked me up from school, right on time might I add, and when I got in the car, he had already gone grocery shopping.  He had gotten orange juice, hot fries (our vice), chicken for dinner that night, two boxes of cereal (Honey Nut Cheerios for me, Honey Bunches of Oats for him), a new meal to try later this week, bacon for the next morning, butter, granola bars, and a few other things we were missing. I was thinking we'd have to go to the grocery store to pick up a few things for dinner and even breakfast the next morning, but he had gotten everything while I was at school! He does things like this pretty often, but they're generally around the time I need it most. I knew I was going home with a lot of homework to finish and a dirty kitchen (from waffles and eggs this morning), and shopping was just another thing to add to the list, but it was so nice of him to get it all finished for me.

When we arrived home, there were not one, not two, but three packages waiting for us . . . Of course this made that positive moment even more positive and happy! My computer finally came from being broken at our wedding, we got wedding pictures in to finally put in empty frames we have, and a book I ordered from Amazon arrived. While I was opening all the boxes, my husband was unloading all the groceries. There wasn't a plastic bag in sight when he left the kitchen and that makes my heart happy! Although I don't mind unloading groceries, it's nice to not to do it every once in a while.

I remembered a conversation we had at church on Sunday with our Bishop. He knew us before we were married and he asked us, "How's married life?" We both said, "It's great!" and he responded, "Usually the men are all, 'It's great! I'm loving it!' and the women say, 'It's such hard work.'" And he laughed. It is hard work! But I do it because this is all I've ever wanted to do: be a wife, and mom. I'm a nurturer, always have been. Doing laundry, doing dishes, cooking (what I know how), making sure people are taken care of, it's my thing! I'll do it forever, happily, most of the time. ;)

All in all, a good day.

SISTER GENTRY IS HOME

Happy. freaking. day. My best friend is home from her mission!

Samantha and I met our freshman year of college by chance. We happened to be living in the same apartment, and for some reason, we got close REAL fast. And I am so grateful for her!

Fast forward a little while and it was the summer of 2015 and Sam had put in her papers to serve a mission. I always knew she wanted to serve a mission, I just never thought it would come so fast! Naturally, the weekend she got her call I had gone home to Texas. But I do remember that someone had Facetimed me while she was opening her call and I was sitting outside of Anamia's listening. I couldn't quite catch it and I texted several people afterwards saying, "WHERE? WHERE IS SHE GOING?" I was like her stalker boyfriend.

Several months later, it was time for her to go. I was able to fly up to Utah (Thanks Kurt and Cate) to listen to her farewell talk and celebrate her birthday! It was such a fun weekend reuinted with Sam and Courtney again... And we didn't even cry!

Then, I was in San Antonio with the McDade girls, at the pool, when she was hours away from entering the MTC. I had FaceTimed Walker and told him just to nonchalantly walk by Samantha so I could say bye . . . again. She was already a missionary, so we had to be sneaky. ;) We said our goodbyes and I truly hoped that the next 18 months would go by so fast.

We emailed pretty much every Sunday she was gone, although there were many Sundays we didn't catch each other right at the same time so instead of chatting back and forth, they were just simple emails. A few times I was with her family, her dad joked that Samantha always emailed me before she emailed him, and if I could please stop emailing her so much so she'd have time for her family. Hahaha. But I couldn't help it. . . I wanted Sam to know every detail in my life!

It was so fun hearing every detail of hers too. Well, the emails did get shorter and shorter, but it was really cool to watch the Lord work within her . . . He really knew what He was doing when He sent her to the Philippines, because when she was called, that was maybe the last place she wanted to be. Now it's the only place she wants to be. :)

A lot of growth happened on both our ends when she was gone! I met and married Jake, growing spiritually in so many ways I didn't think possible. . . and she taught amazing people, learned a new language, and strengthened her testimony (and so much more). While sometimes I felt like my best friend had been taken away from me for WAY too long, I know how much good has come from it. . .

But, with that being said . . . I am SO grateful she's home. Seriously! It was a fun countdown after we got married and the time passed so fast. Her mom gave me the flight info and then suddenly we were at the airport waiting for her to come out! She took her sweet time of course, but it is always so fun welcoming a missionary home (which we had just done for Jake's brother a few weeks before). :)

Sam, Courtney, and I sat on the couch all snuggled up and Sam said, "The girls are back!" (or something to that effect). . . and that's exactly how I feel right now. So happy she served and is healthy, but so happy she's home to be a real, tangible friend again. Sam makes most everything more fun and she truly is hilarious. She's a loyal and kind friend . . . so, luckily, she's mine (and nobody else's or else I'll freak out, at least for a month). :)

I'm Trying To Make Some Goals

I don't know that I've ever made a real New Year's resolution or any kind of New Year's goal, for that matter. This year, I'm not going to make any goals that are like "lose weight!" "find a job!" "get a dog!" "travel to over 40 countries!" or anything like that, but I think I'll make some that are character-minded and achievable. Things that will help my relationship with myself, with my husband, with our family, with my friends, and acquaintances. I'll just try to be better.

I think "being better" can come in a lot of ways. For me, I think that'll come in:

• Being kinder. Like, so kind. Killing people with kindness kind of thing. Like, you cut me in line, stepped on my foot, rolled your eyes at me? I'm still going to smile and maybe even compliment your scarf.
• Being more patient. With Jake's driving, with other people's slow driving, with class assignments, with money, with life in general.
• Take the time to appreciate what's going on right now and not looking so much to the future. We have a lot of fun things that are going to happen... and soon... but first, we have to get through this semester and next term! I need to be better at being more present and not getting through these days to get to the summer.
• Be more intentional and more thoughtful. I need to be better about thinking about people on their birthdays, or on random days of the week -- noticing when someone isn't doing so hot and maybe I can do something about it. Even if it's just with Jake or close family, I want them to know they're important to me.
• Pray "better" and more consistently. This is something Jake and I both probably need to improve on! We've definitely gotten better at switching off praying at dinner time, but we also need to work on being thoughtful and awake during evening and morning prayers. If we know that there are blessings and answers that come from praying, why aren't we better about it?!
• Reading the scriptures AWAKE every evening. We're getting a little lucky this semester -- we're both taking a D&C class together and this year in Gospel Doctrine we're reading the Doctrine and Covenants! So we get a double whammy in taking this class, so hopefully we'll learn something. Last night as we were reading, Jake asked me to just read aloud so he could hear and I said, "If you read aloud tomorrow night!" Hahaha. It'll work, for now, we just need to be consistent about it!
• Keep the sabbath day holy. Oh my gosh, we are so bad at this. We attend all three hours of church -- but do we pray before we fast? Do we sometimes go get a coke or ice cream Sunday evening? There are things we could be better at, and some advice we got from our stake president before we got married is to keep the Sabbath day holy wherever you are. And when we're at home, we'll be trying to do that the best we can.
• Going to bed early, getting up early -- even on Saturdays, and EVEN on Sundays when our church starts at 1 pm. Going to bed early is easy for me, but waking up is not quite as easy. . .  But I do find when I get up early and start the day, I am more awake and happy than I am if I sleep through half the day! There are probably other benefits to this, but I just want Jake and I to get a good amount of sleep and get a lot of work done during the day. 

Maybe there's more I should've added to this list... like brushing my hair every day and not buying a 48-pack of Ramen from Costco... but maybe I'll add that to my list next year. I think 2017 will be a good one. 

We Are Ready To Be Married

Yesterday, Jake and I went to Bountiful because Rachel invited us up to have dinner. She also is letting me borrow her veil for our wedding and is giving us an awesome table . . . with 6 chairs! We may not have a bed frame or a couch, but we have a mattress and a table with 6 chairs!

We made a paper change some sixty days ago and now that paper chain is down to eight days.

E I G H T!!!

*Push continue reading to read the rest of this post!*

The Time That Hillary Almost Won The Election

There are a few things I feel pretty strongly about, and I'm pretty loud-mouthed about them at times. To name a few of these items I am passionate for: oreo mcflurries, feminism, babies, gay marriage, spaghetti, airplanes, and being kind. There are times when I can keep quiet and not say anything and then there are times, like now, that it would feel wrong to keep quiet.

Last night, Jake and I went to go see a movie while the election results were coming in and I was checking them periodically. It was pretty neck and neck the entire time. I thought, "Oh, Hillary's fine, California's votes haven't come in yet and they have 55!" And then California's came in blue of course, but three other states had come in red. I thought no way. The movie ended around midnight and the results were final. I told Jake, "We aren't having children until he's out of office." (Half joke, half serious).

Eight years ago, I wanted John McCain to win. Four years ago, I wanted Mitt Romney to win. This year, I wanted Hillary Clinton to win. This isn't a crazy switch from republican to democrat nor is it a I'm-Supporting-Hillary-Because-She's-A-Woman move, it's what I feel is right. It's the candidate I feel is the most competent and most deserving. I support a woman who worked her whole life for this campaign, a woman who never gave up, who has the stamina and passion to keep going, and a woman who is undeniably in it for the greater good of America.

I know there are good people who I love and respect that voted for and supported Trump throughout his entire campaign. But I also know that there were things done and said by Trump before, during, and I'm sure after his campaign that I do not agree with and will never be able to justify to myself. Although I hope for the best in Trump's presidency, I will always wonder what Hillary would have done in office, and of course, I will miss the Obamas.

Even though the election is over, I'm still with her.

"To the little girls out there, never doubt that you are powerful and deserving of every chance and opportunity in the world."

Some articles I want to remember:

Hilly Klinton
American Tragedy
Girls Can Be Anything