Of course that's not the way it happened for me, but I still believe the process is so important . . . or at least it is to me. I did get to go into labor naturally - slowly but surely, enjoying the process with Jake, taking walks and bouncing on the ball. We chose when we wanted to go to the hospital and we were both feeling great(ish) and confident with the way everything was going.
I understood what my body was doing. . . and I was so proud. It took a long, long time for my body to dilate to 10 centimeters (which is extremely common for first births) but it did it! With a little help of pitocin, I did it! And then I pushed. And I pushed. And I moved around some, and pushed some more. And that's when, after three hours, I had to ask about the other options I knew were available to me.
***
Over the past year, I've become pretty opinionated on birthing options. I've learned a lot about our options regarding birth, and I've also learned a lot about why so many people think birth is scary. Partly because movies and TV shows portray women screaming and crying out for help, and also partly because their mothers and grandmothers had subpar experiences and when they share their birth stories with their daughters, it makes them even more afraid.
I've been told some pretty horrific birth stories. When I told people I wanted to go natural (which I didn't tell many people) they would say, "You're definitely going to want the epidural." Or their responses would be generally negative. Of course there were family members that were 100% supportive of going natural, but overall, people's thoughts on birth and labor are: Get the epidural.
Getting the epidural is not the problem. I think it's a great tool to have. The problem is that there are many unnecessary deaths, and unnecessary c-sections in the U.S that are caused by unnecessary inductions and medications. I started learning about this a couple years ago when I wrote a paper on maternal mortality rate. About 32% of all births are c-sections, and our maternal mortality rate is 26 deaths per 100,000 live births. That's ridiculous. The worst in the developed world with all the medicine we have? It doesn't make sense.
What does that have to do with my wanting to go natural? It's because there's a vicious cycle within the whole getting induced or getting an epidural thing.
Induction --> Epidural --> Pitocin --> Baby's heart rate drops and becomes worrisome --> C-section. Doctors are encouraging women to get induced, to get the epidural, to get pitocin . . . But what a lot of women don't realize is that a lot of these conditions aren't optimal for baby. And most of all, I feel like women don't trust their body . . . Our bodies know how to get the baby out! Our bodies know what to do!
But would any of that have happened without the induction, without the epidural, or without the pitocin? Probably not. Of course I can recognize this isn't always how it happens, but I didn't want this to happen to me.
On top of that reasoning, I wanted to feel the intensity of contractions. I wanted to feel my body work. I wanted to know that my body could do what it was made to do. I trust my body to begin laboring on its own, I trust my body to contract and move the baby down, and mostly, I trust my baby to get where she needs to go! Being told when and how to birth wasn't what felt right to me.
I wanted an unmedicated birth so badly, and I did everything I could to try and get that to happen, but for some reason it wasn't meant to be. So I am grateful - so, so grateful - for doctors, that can get our babies out in minutes. I'm grateful for the care I received during my labor, and for the lengths I was able to go to get that baby here.
But mostly I wish people would respect the process of labor and birth. I wish more women knew that birth isn't scary, and that we have more options than getting an epidural and laying on our back to push a baby out. I wish people respected their bodies and their capabilities. I wish doctors encouraged more women to try out the natural route.
***
I'll admit, I sometimes, 10 weeks later, feel angry that June's birth didn't go the way I wanted it to. They told me my pelvis might be too small, but how can that be?! I want this SO badly! I feel angry that other women, who on the outside seem not to respect the process, get to have a vaginal delivery.
But then I feel grateful again, that I got to grow a baby, and she's healthy, and she's here with us.
I'm grateful for the process - and I trust the process. And I'll try again.
Good article about U.S. maternal mortality rate here: https://www.npr.org/2017/05/12/527806002/focus-on-infants-during-childbirth-leaves-u-s-moms-in-danger.
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