The first time . . .

The first time I thought I was a bad mom, June was almost two weeks old. All my family had left and it was just me and Jake with our girl! It was Sunday, but we were still staying home from church because she was so tiny and I was a hot mess. Emphasis on the MESS.

Everything was going well, until it wasn't... And I don't mean to sound dramatic, but June would. not. stop. crying. And this was really unlike her. She was really easy to soothe, loved to eat, and loved to sleep. She cried and cried and cried, and I could tell she was feeling uncomfortable. I know early in baby's lives their stomachs are figuring out how to work, but I was worried that I was eating something that was upsetting her or that she might be allergic to something.

I remember I was in my striped milkmaid goods dress that I don't even want to look at anymore - it was most likely covered in spit up, breast milk, and poop. I wore it because it doesn't show my figure at all and it has three buttons that allowed it to open low enough so I could nurse freely. I was sitting on the couch and I just started crying because she was crying and I couldn't get her to stop. I was mostly crying because I felt like she was hurting and I didn't want her to be.

Jake didn't really know what to do. He had never really seen me cry and he was asking what he could do. I told him we should call the pediatrician nurse line to see what we could give her to make her feel a little better.

Jake called because I was literally just sobbing (funny now... not at the time haha) and the nurse asked if her stomach felt tight. It did. Then she asked what I had been eating... She told him I should be staying away from chocolate, dark greens, caffeine, etc. ALL THE THINGS I HAD BEEN EATING. I know now that's not what it was because I can eat those now and feel just fine, but when he told me that, I felt so bad for her. I felt like I was the one who made her feel so sick. It really was just gas.

Jake went to the store to get gripe water and I stayed at home and laid in bed with June. When he left, she calmed down a little bit but tears were still streaming down my face! He finally came back and we gave her a little bit of the gripe water, even though I was pretty reluctant because she was under 2 weeks and I had read some horror stories. But she took it like a champ and she immediately went to the bathroom and then was able to go to sleep - it was amazing and I felt so much relief.

But seriously . . . the feeling was overwhelming. I felt sad and angry . . . I was so ridiculously emotional which I know is very common that soon after having a baby but it wasn't normal for me or for Jake. Having a baby is out of this world. I feel so connected to June and I truly feel everything she feels. I'm still learning the ropes and I know I'm not a bad mom, but that day it was so hard not to feel like it.

I'll always remember the craziness of that Sunday and the overwhelming feelings I think we all felt. Postpartum emotions are no joke. I'm so glad I'm a* *little* less emotional now, even though I still love June with every fiber of my freaking being!

Postpartum journey: Learning the ropes of nursing

My milk took forever to come in, and I think part of it was that I didn't hold or touch June until about 8 hours after I gave birth to her. All the research Jake and I did showed the importance of immediate skin to skin, but of course that didn't go to plan!

When they first brought her to me, I don't remember her fussing at all, but I wanted to try and nurse her. They had been giving her pasteurized human milk but I wanted her to get some colostrum. I picked her up, brought her to the boob, and she latched perfectly. I knew the basics from what I had read about breastfeeding, but it was like June had been doing it her whole life. It was seriously amazing and I'm so grateful she has a good latch. My colostrum was great. I would hand express and get some, so I knew she was eating every time she latched which was nice and a relief. But my milk took quite a few days to come in, which was frustrating.

On top of my milk taking a while to come in, my nipples hurt pretty badly. She had a great latch, I think it's just that your nipples have to get used to being sucked on pretty hard. Obviously. Anyone who tells you nursing isn't supposed to hurt . . . well, it does at first, even if your baby's latch is just right. So it's okay if your nipples hurt. Keep going, because it finally gets better.

Every time she latched, which I would let her any time she showed any hunger cues, I would seriously want to cry. I got some Lanolin and also Newman's Ointment and was using them both religiously. Everyone told me to keep going and that it would get easier. I'm so glad I listened to them, but I definitely understand why someone would give up without support from others.

I remember being relieved every time I finished nursing her and thanking the heavens that I wouldn't have to for another 2 hours or so. It hurt so, so bad. I knew time would heal them, I just wanted it to go a little faster. On my right boob, I had a cracked nipple. I noticed it in the shower - it was red and scary. I told Jake to come over to me and check it out and he agreed it looked cracked. We were both scared because so many people had told us stories about people's nipples COMING OFF from breastfeeding! Haha to let it heal, I only latched her on my left side and would pump my left side. It was definitely harder and more time consuming, but it got better within 48 hours. I bear testimony of Newman's Ointment. 

For the first couple of days after we got home, we nursed all day whenever she wanted to build my supply in the coming weeks, but we topped her off with formula in the evenings. It kind of sucked but you gotta do what you gotta do. Every time I topped her off with formula, I would pump so my body would know she wasn't full. Almost always, she downed the formula so I'm glad we did it so I knew she was getting what she needed.

At her first check up at the pediatrician, she hadn't gained all her weight back (obviously). It was when she was 6 days old, but she was getting there. He told me, "Just keep feeding her. She'll get there." Ah, I'm so glad he is so nice and supportive of nursing. At her two week appointment, I was PRAYING she was past her birth weight. It was seriously stressing me out because at that point, we were strictly nursing. I put her on the scale and she was 9 lbs 1 oz! Oh thank heavens! Seriously I was thanking the Lord and my boobs. Hahaha. My milk was working! (Now she is 12 pounds even at 6 weeks and 3 days old. Chubby monkey just how we like it!)

Getting into the third week of nursing was when things started to heal and feel a little better. I started to feel more confident with nursing and we figured out a good night time routine with waking up and going back to sleep. I didn't have to use Newman's Ointment nearly as much and I overall just was starting to feel happier with nursing!

I think getting past the first 2-3 weeks is the most important part. It's a struggle . . . I cried SO much . . . But it's so worth it now. I've finally regulated and my boobs are soft throughout the day which is super encouraging. She's been sleeping 6-8 hour stretches so during that, I try to get up and pump. Sometimes (the past few nights...) I've been waking up and turning off my alarm IN MY SLEEP and waking up so freaking engorged! But other than that, I really haven't been too engorged which has been great. She's still nursing so well but as she gets older, she has started to play with my nipple more. Haha she will literally just lay there and lick it, or put it in her mouth and take it out. I can't help but laugh (and sometimes say OWWW) because it's so cute. I'm sure it won't be that cute when she's got teeth, but for now it is.

Overall I'm just grateful for the people around me who have supported our nursing "journey" and for the people who told me to keep going and that it would get better! I'm so glad I have some people that I can relate to and talk about nursing with (especially Jake's cousin Monica). And mostly I'm just grateful that my body is working. For the first few days, I had serious thoughts that for some reason breastfeeding wasn't going to work out and I was so sad. When starting a nursing journey, my only advice would be to get through that day and keep going, don't try to think about the weeks ahead. Day by day as you get through it, it will stop hurting and your body will make the milk your baby needs.

Push "Continue Reading" for some super cute nursing pictures (but they may show a little boob).

6 Weeks with June

Six weeks with June has been so hard yet so amazing. My friend Hazel, who had a c-section last summer, told me she didn't feel completely normal until 6 weeks postpartum. Because of that, I was really just looking forward to being 6 weeks in . . . and now that I am, I definitely agree with her that you don't feel totally normal until 6 weeks later, maybe even more. Although I still get uncomfortable running a few steps (ha) and I still have a c-section pooch, I feel sooo much better with my body and more confident with June.

For the first few weeks, I didn't want to leave the house because she was so unpredictable - Was she going to be hungry? Was she going to just scream for no reason? Was she going to be sleepy? It was all around easier to be in the comfort of my home, freeing the nipple, and of course watching Grey's Anatomy.

But now that we're 6 weeks in, I feel like I've learned enough about June and we're both confident with nursing in different places than my bed or couch. I feel comfortable venturing out to new places with her - and most importantly I've learned that she functions best close to me in a wrap or other carrier. If she's in her car seat, I have to constantly be holding it or rocking it else she cries, so wraps it is, and I probably enjoy it just as much as her!

Today we went to the grocery store and I was rocking her to sleep in the Happy baby wrap. She was dozing off and I was excited to spend an hour grocery shopping in silence with a happy, sleepy baby! An older lady came up to me as I was shaking my entire body and said, "You must have some music playing in your head!" I think every mom of a newborn has music playing in her head. :)

My favorite things at 6 weeks:

• Sleeping really great 6-8 hour stretches, nurses, then goes back to sleep for 2-3 hours
• Loves to cuddle and sleep next to me or Jake 
• Nurses like a champ and is gaining weight so well  - 11 lbs 6 oz 
• Smiling so big when we talk to her
• Loves bath time and showering with Jake! 
• Always, always breaks out of her swaddle 
• Poops RIGHT when she wakes up and it is hilarious 
• She still loves to stick her tongue out. She's always licking things. Jake was holding her the other day and she was just licking his chest and we were dying laughing

Postpartum Journey: Hospital Stay

I follow a lot of moms on Instagram, and seeing their postpartum life I always thought to myself, "Wow, postpartum looks kind of . . . easy????" Seriously, following moms on Instagram who ONLY show the highs of life with their makeup on and edited pictures is dangerous. Because I really thought the first two weeks of June's life were going to be MUCH easier, and I was so wrong.

The first day, I called the nurses and asked them to bring me my baby. Jake was laying in the hospital bed with me and then I held her for the first time and she nursed and she was amazing. And we really felt SO happy just looking at her little body and thinking, "Wow! We made her!" And we were taking pictures of her and it was just us three and it was great.

And then as the days went by, nursing got a little harder. My milk took forever to come in so I would feed her, pump, sleep. Feed her, pump, sleep. Oh my dang nipples were killer. Walking was so hard. I was bleeding and passing clots nonstop, so I was always sitting on a little doggy pee pad (haha) and wearing a huge adult diaper. Getting out of the hospital bed was hard even though it was able to be in a higher position. The nurses had to press down on my abdomen a few times a day, check my incision. I was on top of my medication the whole time. I was too afraid to take a shower so I looked like a huge dweeb with all these different visitors. But I look back on the time in the hospital, and it was overall enjoyable and amazing . . . To have so much time of other people taking care of you and focusing on your attachment with your new baby and figuring our your life together. I hope I always get to stay in the hospital for a couple days after having a baby.

That big red mark on her head! So sad! 

Honestly, the hospital was great because the nurses were so attentive and I didn't have any pressure to go anywhere or see anyone or even look nice - when people come to visit you in the hospital, I'm sure they're expecting the worst! So Wednesday, we had my mom, Tracey, and then Amanda come to visit and meet the baby. That was nice to just sit with them. Later that day, Anna and Ruth came and brought me a McFlurry without knowing that I wasn't supposed to eat... but I did anyway. Haha Amanda was spoon feeding me and I was like, "Oh well, it's worth the bowel obstruction!"

As the day went on, more visitors came and I was just trying to soak up every second with the baby. I was rarely alone with her because my mom was there which was AMAZING. Trying to learn how your body works and how your baby's body works is really something you can't do alone. You need help. I for sure needed help, so I was really glad we stayed in the hospital for quite a few days.

About the third day, they check the baby's bilirubin levels. They were explaining to me about what levels are acceptable and which ones are high risk, and I was thinking, "Oh June's color is good! She definitely isn't having issues." But then as the day went on, she started to look more jaundice and they came and told us that she was in the high risk "red" category and she had already been under the lights all morning. The worst part about this ... well, two things: I didn't get to hold her at all that day unless she was nursing, so about every 2 1/2 hours. And then, if I went to go see her, she would start moving around and not being happy under the lights if she heard my voice. So I just had to look at her through the window. When I left the room where she was, I cried! I just wanted to snuggle my baby and I didn't want to leave her in this sad little room.

This is June being a little model baby under the lights (holy cow I'm so glad she's not under them anymore). The nurse said that she would try to go move her flat on her back, but a few minutes later June would be back in this position.




Saturday was the day we were getting discharged. I had my last meal, this pasta with marinara sauce, and we got the carseat installed and packed everything away (and by we I mean my mom and Jake). I had my last few rounds of pudding, jello, and popsicles (and coke!) and then put some makeup on to leave. They had to check my blood pressure one more time and it had been a little high since having the baby, but I definitely had some extra nerves as we were about to leave and my bp was super high for me - like 146/94 or something! The nurse who took it didn't even say anything which was probably good of her and went to call Tina, my midwife. She wanted them to check it again in a few minutes so when the nurse came back to tell me that, she told me to think happy thoughts and relax before they took it again. Well then I was nervous about making sure my bp went down or else I wasn't going to get discharged! June already had all her bracelets and everything cut off and was good to go.

They took it again and I'm pretty sure it was actually a little higher *roll my eyes*. Luckily Tina wasn't too worried and just wanted me to go get it checked in a couple of days at the office. Walking out of the hospital wasn't super glamorous like you see in Instagram photos (maybe I should stop comparing my life to insta photos? I do not have an Insta husband hahahah). It was kind of chilly and I was walking like a caveman because my back hurt and I didn't want to ruin my incision. June handled the car ride pretty well. When we got home, our sweet neighbors who just had a baby in December got us all Chick fil a. My mom and I went to H&M which was a terrible idea but we got some cute stuff. I was in a lot of pain and so we went to the casita and watched Grey's Anatomy together until she took me home so I could sleep.

So many things I want to remember about those first couple of days-  but mainly how snuggly and sweet June was/is. How nice it was to have my mom around helping me. How even though sometimes it felt impossible, it feels like June and I have meshed together pretty well and the role as a mother has come pretty naturally. And for Jake - those first few days, especially bringing her into this world, were hard for him and he has been really amazing. He loves her and plays with her and snuggles her so hard!

Since my milk took so long to come in, we used pasteurized human milk which first of all, is amazing that so many women can donate and allow that as an option! And second, I was glad Jake was able to give her some bottles and bond with her a bit. :) 

THANKS OLIVIA FOR SNAPPING ALL THESE PICTURES!