The first time I thought I was a bad mom, June was almost two weeks old. All my family had left and it was just me and Jake with our girl! It was Sunday, but we were still staying home from church because she was so tiny and I was a hot mess. Emphasis on the MESS.
Everything was going well, until it wasn't... And I don't mean to sound dramatic, but June would. not. stop. crying. And this was really unlike her. She was really easy to soothe, loved to eat, and loved to sleep. She cried and cried and cried, and I could tell she was feeling uncomfortable. I know early in baby's lives their stomachs are figuring out how to work, but I was worried that I was eating something that was upsetting her or that she might be allergic to something.
I remember I was in my striped milkmaid goods dress that I don't even want to look at anymore - it was most likely covered in spit up, breast milk, and poop. I wore it because it doesn't show my figure at all and it has three buttons that allowed it to open low enough so I could nurse freely. I was sitting on the couch and I just started crying because she was crying and I couldn't get her to stop. I was mostly crying because I felt like she was hurting and I didn't want her to be.
Jake didn't really know what to do. He had never really seen me cry and he was asking what he could do. I told him we should call the pediatrician nurse line to see what we could give her to make her feel a little better.
Jake called because I was literally just sobbing (funny now... not at the time haha) and the nurse asked if her stomach felt tight. It did. Then she asked what I had been eating... She told him I should be staying away from chocolate, dark greens, caffeine, etc. ALL THE THINGS I HAD BEEN EATING. I know now that's not what it was because I can eat those now and feel just fine, but when he told me that, I felt so bad for her. I felt like I was the one who made her feel so sick. It really was just gas.
Jake went to the store to get gripe water and I stayed at home and laid in bed with June. When he left, she calmed down a little bit but tears were still streaming down my face! He finally came back and we gave her a little bit of the gripe water, even though I was pretty reluctant because she was under 2 weeks and I had read some horror stories. But she took it like a champ and she immediately went to the bathroom and then was able to go to sleep - it was amazing and I felt so much relief.
But seriously . . . the feeling was overwhelming. I felt sad and angry . . . I was so ridiculously emotional which I know is very common that soon after having a baby but it wasn't normal for me or for Jake. Having a baby is out of this world. I feel so connected to June and I truly feel everything she feels. I'm still learning the ropes and I know I'm not a bad mom, but that day it was so hard not to feel like it.
I'll always remember the craziness of that Sunday and the overwhelming feelings I think we all felt. Postpartum emotions are no joke. I'm so glad I'm a* *little* less emotional now, even though I still love June with every fiber of my freaking being!
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